working mothers guilt
For many, many years I struggled with the guilt that I wasn’t doing enough for my daughter while I was working full-time. I negotiated a more flexible work week to support her and took extra leave in the school holidays. However, I still worried about her mental and emotional well-being, questioned whether we spent enough “quality time” with her and whether she feel secure and loved.
Over time, talking with other working mothers, I realised that it wasn’t only me - literally all my friends have some form of guilt or anxiety around how they parented while they worked.
There are so many internal conflicts around trying to be the ideal parent - juggling home, work, partner, broader family commitments. The other interesting thing is that, for some men at least, this doesn’t enter their head - they don’t tie themselves up in knots and make themselves feel bad. So why do so many working mothers do this to ourselves?
If you’re reading this you’re probably busy, so I’ve kept it short so you can read it quickly and easily - and get on with your day? There are some practical suggestions included.
Why Does Working Mother Guilt Run So Deep?
First, let’s acknowledge something important: Working mother guilt isn’t just about personal insecurities. It’s a complex web woven by societal pressures, cultural norms, and the impossibly high standards we set for ourselves.
1. The Myth of the “Perfect Mum”
In Australia, as in many places, the “ideal mother” is often portrayed as endlessly nurturing, fully present, and entirely devoted to her family. It’s no wonder that balancing a demanding career with motherhood feels like an impossible juggling act.
2. The Social Media Trap
Scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, it’s easy to feel like every other mother has it together. Pictures of homemade Anzac biscuits, perfect lunchboxes, and impeccably dressed kids can make your busy, messy reality feel inadequate.
3. Fear of Missing Out
Missing school events or milestones due to work commitments can leave a sting. Many mothers worry about whether their kids will perceive them as emotionally or physically absent. Whether not being there as a tuck shop Mum as regularly might indicate a lack of care.
4. Financial Pressures
For many Australian families, dual incomes are a necessity. Yet, the pressure to provide for your family while also being fully available can leave mothers feeling stretched thin.
How to Break Free from the Guilt Trap
While guilt may never disappear completely, you can learn to manage it. Here’s how:
1. Rewrite the Rules of Motherhood
Ditch Perfectionism: The perfect mother is a myth. Focus on being the best version of yourself, rather than holding yourself to unrealistic ideals.
Define Success Your Way: What works for your family might not look like what works for others. Embrace that individuality.
2. Focus on Quality Over Quantity
Make Time Count: Even if your time with your kids is limited, ensure it’s meaningful. Whether it’s a quick chat after school, a bedtime story, or a weekend outing, these moments matter.
Be Fully Present: Put away your phone and give your full attention to your kids during family time. It’s about connection, not perfection.
3. Communicate Openly
Talk to Your Kids: Ask them about their feelings and needs. You might be surprised at how understanding they are.
Share Your Why: Older kids, in particular, benefit from understanding why you work. Explain how your job supports the family and helps achieve broader goals.
4. Build Your Support Network
Seek Help: Lean on your partner, extended family, and others you trust. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help—it truly takes a village.
Connect with Other Mums: Australian parenting groups or online communities can be a great place to share experiences and get advice.
5. Show Yourself Some Grace
Celebrate Small Wins: Every day, acknowledge the little things you do for your family, whether it’s a quick cuddle, a packed lunch, or showing up when it matters.
Prioritise Self-Care: Taking time for yourself isn’t indulgent—it’s essential. You can’t be the best for your family if you’re running on empty.
Why Your Kids Don’t Need You to Be Perfect
Here’s the truth: Your kids aren’t looking for a flawless, Pinterest-perfect parent. They’re looking for you. And as a working mum, you’re teaching them valuable lessons—whether you realise it or not.
Resilience: Watching you balance work and family shows them how to tackle challenges with determination.
Work Ethic: You’re modelling dedication and ambition, which helps them develop their own drive.
Equality: By pursuing your career, you’re teaching them about gender equality and the importance of following their passions.
Instead of focusing on what you think you’re missing, consider the powerful example you’re setting. You’re showing your children that love and hard work can coexist.
The Bottom Line
Working mum guilt is real, but it doesn’t have to overshadow the joys of parenthood or the satisfaction of a fulfilling career. By setting realistic expectations, staying connected with your kids, and showing yourself compassion, you can move from guilt to empowerment.
In my view, being a great mother isn’t about doing it all—it’s about showing up in the ways that matter most. Your children don’t need perfection; they just need your love, your support, and your presence. Tying ourselves up in mental knots of worrying constantly really doesn’t help - sometimes we have to resist this cycle and reframe out perspective.
The other thing that I’ve learnt is that as long as you have an open and respectful relationship with your child/children as they grow into adulthood and can talk about how all of this affected them and you - that’s the important thing. The lunch boxes etc are not important in the long-run, relationships and knowing your are there for them is.
So the next time guilt creeps in, remind yourself: You’re doing an amazing job. And that’s more than enough.