Give less Fxxxs and be a bxxxh, sometimes..

Ok, ok…I don’t think this is a good general rule, it was some tailored advice for a person I coached.

The translation is: don’t overthink and worry so much AND stand your ground - don’t get pushed around and be “too nice” – make your views known and, where appropriate, disagree explicitly.

It helps to have a bit of context.

First, a bit about the person—in a word, she is delightful—intelligent, funny, hardworking, and she really looks after her team and clients. This person has become a leader in a male-dominated sector. I’m so proud to call her my friend.

I caught up with her recently, and she said she had channelled the advice I gave her a long time ago. The setting was in a large forum of senior leaders, discussing difficult business and personnel issues. Basically, she spoke out and pushed back to make her point of view known. It felt good, so she continued to do this when she felt it was required. The result was that she received very positive formal feedback that she had never received before—she was respected for standing her ground, making her unique perspective known, and demonstrating leadership.

Often, quieter individuals are seen as too nice, weak, or insubstantial. They do things for the right reasons, get along with most people, and go with the flow. But this can sometimes lead to being overlooked or undervalued.

So, when quieter people push back, don’t just agree with what other people are saying, and generally stand up for what they believe in—they’re sometimes seen as difficult or, if they’re female, a bit of a bxxxxh. However, many people especially the alpha personality types, respect this, and it can definitely work in your favour. People listen more when quieter people speak because it’s usually for a good reason, not just to be heard and seen - it means something.

The other side is that sometimes, when people care a lot about what they do, they worry about a whole lot of things—will the quality of our deliverables be adequate? Is this the right solution? Is there more we could do? How can we provide advice/services that are truly outstanding—every time?

While all these things are good, they can result in us putting a lot of pressure on ourselves and our teams—which is not always a good thing. I’ve learned the hard way here! Sometimes it’s okay to do a good job, not necessarily an outstanding job every time. Sometimes we need to put things in perspective—what’s the worst thing that could happen if a client isn’t happy right here and now (is that within our control)? Sometimes we’re just too hard on ourselves.

So, the lesson here is to speak with conviction when we have something meaningful to say and sometimes don’t overthink it.

The other reminder is I’m so grateful to have friends like this—a true gift in life.